


i will follow you into the dark

by Malik



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-02
Updated: 2013-02-02
Packaged: 2017-11-27 22:05:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 986
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/666988
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Malik/pseuds/Malik
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Niall was sitting on the edge of the bed, the jar of pills in one hand and the vodka bottle in the other. He looked up to find Zayn’s dark eyes looking at him “I love you” he whispered.</p>
            </blockquote>





	i will follow you into the dark

Niall was sitting on the edge of the bed, the jar of pills in one hand and the vodka bottle in the other. He looked up to find Zayn’s dark eyes looking at him “I love you” he whispered.

♡

The first time Niall cut himself had been an accident. He was doing the dishes and his grip on the knife in the water was too strong. It didn’t really hurt. Niall was already too broken to feel the physical pain. He just felt the pounding of the thick red liquid that poured out his hand and ran down his arm. He couldn’t stop looking at the rhythmical beat of the blood that flooded down because for the first time, in a very long time, he felt.

 

Niall kept cutting, longer and deeper for each time. The pain felt good, but his body was reacting the wrong way and far too soon he was numb from the pain of a knife as well.

To draw long, thick lines in his skin with a knife was no longer enough, but he couldn’t stop. He needed to try to feel again.

The first time he took a pill was the day the boys found out. They were in Paris, buzzed from the show and the crowd that had been fantastic and for a moment Niall forgot that his life was the life of a zombie. For a moment Niall forgot the red, angry scars that invaded every piece of the skin on his arms and when he took off his soaking shirt the world stopped for a few seconds.

“Niall? Niall, what is that?” Liam asked, voice cracking after the silence that felt like hours more than minutes.

Niall was paralyzed. He couldn’t talk, move or breathe.

“Please?” Was Harry’s empty question to him, no one really knew what he was asking but somehow it summed up all of their thoughts.

“Why?” Louis followed to ask, his eyes shining from the tears that were threatening to fall.

Niall just looked down at his arms, as it was the first time he saw them. Still not moving, still not breathing he just stared at them; his mouth a little more open than usual and his eyes a little bit wider than usual. Not because of the scars - but because he felt. He felt shame, guilt and disgust.

 

That same night - when Niall sat in the biggest window in his hotel room, watching the rain pour over the citizens of Paris - he took the first pill.

He was thinking about the previous events, thanking god that his feet had taken him out of the room as if on automatic, without any more confrontation. He had rushed into the taxi and hurried up to his hotel room where he had been sitting for the past couple of hours.

Niall took the pill instead of the blade because this time he didn’t have the instant craving of digging out the veins on his arms, this time he wanted to stop the shame, the guilt and just forget.

He only took one that time, but they were strong and he didn’t need more than that. His head already felt woozy and for the first time, in a very long time, he felt contented.

The harmonic sound of the rain outside lulled him into another dreamless slumber and he fell asleep in the window, watching the grey sunset in Paris.

Zayn hadn’t said anything to Niall since that time they found out. Niall didn’t blame him, he was disgusting. But he thought that if he could feel, he would have been upset by it. Because Zayn was the reason he didn’t feel anything, after all.

Liam, Harry and Louis had all tried though.

Liam, by sitting him down at an empty café, begging him to talk to him. Telling how perfect and beautiful he was, not understanding why Niall would do this to himself. He volunteered himself to help him in every way he could, even considering calling a psychiatrist - something Niall had made Liam promise not to do. Niall wasn’t crazy, he was just… empty.

Harry, by cuddling him up on the sofa; kissing and hugging every inch of his body. Not really talking, just loving Niall the way he knew best. Niall didn’t feel, but if he had he knew that Harry would have made him feel better with his method. They ate - Harry ate as Niall had declined, he didn’t really eat anymore - Ben & Jerry’s and watched films until early morning.

Louis method was a little more difficult to handle. After another interview where Niall had kept quiet unless being directly asked a question, Louis simply lost it. He pinned the smaller boy up against the wall and shouted at him, demanding an explanation of Niall’s actions. Harry and Liam both screamed at Louis to stop but Niall didn’t really care, he just looked at Louis, thinking that if he could feel, he would have felt sad that he was the reason Louis felt like this. 

♡

The first and last time Zayn had talked to him since the confrontation, Niall was sitting on the edge of the bed; the jar of pills in one hand and the vodka bottle in the other.

Zayn had sat himself next to him, tears in his eyes. He took the jar from Niall’s hand, taking out twenty pills, one by one. He held ten in one hand and gave Niall the remaining ten.  
He put them all in his mouth and took the bottle of alcohol, swallowing five big sips. When he was done he gave Niall the rest of the bottle to do the same. Zayn looked him the eyes one last time before closing them and harshly pressing his lips against Niall’s, his hot tears dripping down Niall’s cheeks.

“I will follow you into the dark” Zayn mumbled before the immense nothing stole them.


End file.
